Pink is my Signature Color

 Today I am visiting with my Oncologist, Dr. Elia who I heard will be retiring soon. I am grateful that she has been with me through the years with my care. Today has been 10 years since diagnosis and I can’t lie it has been extremely difficult. I’ve had great days and bad days. Since my last visit I have lost 8lbs (172.8). Great news but the whole body hurt, vomiting has not stopped.  If she takes me off anazolole, thoughts of will my cancer come back? I would be looking over my shoulder for sure. Yep, this chic is scared.  Let’s see what she says…

 So much has happened since my visit with Dr Elia, I don’t even know where to start except that I have had my 2nd vaccine for COVID. CDC says that if you have had both shots you should be ok and don’t need a mask. Let’s see, kinda scary out here because that has given the yahoo’s out there to NOT wear. Oh well, I digress….kinda scare to get my tumor marker after 8 years. I still experiencing all over pain due to the chemo medication. If it goes away, I can be pain free. We will see what Dr will say. My mind is all over the place and filled with doubts and fears. If truth be told, the FEAR is real.

Bone density last week, said I was prone, back on med...and I do this. Not to the one I broke before but the opposite foot.

Well this is totally new and different, you might say this is our new normal in my medical check for CANCER. Questions, stay in your car, call to come in (WEAR YOUR MASK), 6 feet distancing, no COFFEE...that’s just getting in the door. Sitting here waiting for Dr. Elia with thoughts. I know I am cancer free, 7 years. Wow what a journey. I have had a couple of falls resulting in PT and a boot. I have always been at risk but it finally happened, not once but twice in a month. Still taking my cancer medication Anazozole. At one point I called Dr Elia that I had enough and wanted to go off the drug. The body pain is so painful 24/7. Weight gain yep...all the side effects. Dr Elia should be coming anytime..... Ok one year check everything good.

Here it is my nine month check with Dr. Elia, I’m a little nervous the last time I talk to her. She said I can stop taking an anrimdex because of the incredible pain I’ve been experiencing for the last seven years.  Today, she said she’s going to reevaluate me and let me know where we stand.  I did do a blood draw to find out where my marker is. I’m excited and nervous at the same time. I was reading a book in the lobby about cancer rehabilitation. I’m gonna check more into that and going to ask for a script for a lymphedema sleeve. I don’t know what my next chapter is going to be but I’m positive that it’s going to be OK. I am dedicated and committed in trying to help out any cancer patients survivors to move forward as I continue my personal journey and being healthy.

I had my double mastectomy done. How do I feel about it today? I don’t know. What I do know is that they are gone....A part of me is gone.

This morning the pain has been horrible to bear within the last week. I have been silent but taking pain meds to help.  My diabeties has not been good. It is it so easy for it to get out of control and I NEED to bring it back in with everything else. Right now, I am feeling lost in where to start again. I was told once that I should not be so hard on myself but I have to in order to get past these emotions and pain. Will check in at end of week. Let's me challenge myself to move forward. PAIN IS TO MUCH 

Today went better than I expected. My numbers are down (A1C, Sugars, Bad Cholesterol). He said that in August that my numbers then were so high that I could have had a heart attack at any moment. Boy is this sobering. I have to continue what I am doing, and most of all continue on my meds and EXERCISE! Well, guess I better get back into the gym. My check with Dr. Elia was great as well and I am clean from Cancer. What a blessing that I have been given this year. I can honestly say that it has been a difficult road but have to keep pushing and embarrassing my new Normal. 

Always get nervous for my checks with Dr. Elia. I am sure things are good with me. Pain, well still have it, hopefully I can get off my cancer meds that causes it and my weight. It has been almost 5 years since. Seems like yesterday. You know what's weird?  I am in the same room where I was told "you have cancer". I can't even wrap my head around that...all I heard is CANCER....thank God that Tim was with me. I struggle was definitely real and it continues to be my new normal. As hard as it is, facing it head on can be difficult. I am so blessed to have my family and friends for the endless support and prayers.

I told him everything he wanted to hear, I exercise but I quit after 30 days. I have been over indulging in sugars but a weird thing watching my portions. I think therapy is needed😢

Over the weekend, I did alot of thinking and know that going to the gym is the best thing for me. What I need to do is to STAY OUT OF MY HEAD. When I go there, the "what if's", "I can't" always surfaces its nasty head and makes me crazy.  I don't look for sympathy, just understanding that one day I may be UP and the NEXT down.  I have been doing something within the last couple of months, taking an interest in making my faces pretty. Sometimes when I look at it I see "Cancer" and what it has done to me. Just another way to getting past the emotional side of "IT". Let's see how I will do.

For the last 3 months, the pain has been excruciating. Doctor's say exercise or get on a good...... diet bla, bla, bla. I can honestly say that I am fed up and really don't know what else I can do. I don't feel the same, I just DON'T FEEL GOOD.  I say I am going to work out and then I don't go, I say don't think about it but it's there.  I say if I can just feel GOOD just one day.......

This is late, but the count down is on to my 5th year of being a CANCER SURVIVOR. No doubt that I will beat it and will keep moving forward by being positive and the love of my family.

The last couple of weeks have been full of excuses and self doubt, therefore not wanting to work out at the gym.  Starting this week, I am getting back on track. I CAN do this and Will.

Within the last month or so, I started a workout program at this gym and have a coach...AB. She is incredible, fit and a great sense of humor and most important she keeps me going when I want to quit. I shared my story and with that, a great SUPPORT was born. My journey is hard and I take baby steps but each day, I go one step further. Yes, the pain is great but in the end, my accomplishment will be just as GREAT.  Let's see what next week brings.

I am CANCER FREE.. tumor maker at 25!!!

Boy, I hurt all over but that's what you get when you work out. As they say NO PAIN, NO GAIN. Have a great coach who keeps me accountable at least for 8 weeks to get me started. 6 month with Dr. Elia to get my markers. I am so surprised at my BP. I must be doing something right. Can't wait to share with her and Dr. Miller. Just have to keep going and remember, I CAN DO THIS😍

High BP, constant pain, over weight, high cholesterol, chemo pill and more pills to control everything else equal same result.  I try to excerise eat right... Bla..Bla...Bla.... Written O2/20/2017

At doctor's office today checking in with Doctor Gerken 4 pain all over my body. Seems like it never stops but I just tried to push it down not think about it. I don't really talk to anybody about it so it's my own personal hell. After this appointment, I am going to my dentist.  All of my teeth are broken, and I have an infection in my mouth. All of this is caused because of radiation and chemo. How does one stay positive? It's hard. I don't want to take any more pills.  I'm tired I just want to be strong again.  I just want to be me again.